Mindset Chronicles - Confidence

I am a confident person. For a long time, I associated the notion of confidence and the feelings that come with it to fearlessness, an unwavering and unflappable certainty. This line of thinking produced a result that, at times, looked a little closer to “cocky” and maddened those closest to me as I adjusted and adapted to find that balance. Observing my peers, my friends, the people who surrounded me in the world, I noticed that many of them were more apprehensive and reserved — the type of people to let things happen TO themselves rather than possess some agency and make things happen FOR themselves. It is something I never quite understood - watching people intentionally reduce and dilute themselves, diminishing their quality of life with inaction and silence. Like with many concepts interpreted by the version of myself floating through my 20’s, I was at least partially incorrect. Confidence is, it would seem, actually the opposite of that initial notion of impenetrable certainty - which actually borders a little more closely on delusion. No, confidence is the ability to exist with uncertainty in your heart, to exist with fear in your mind, and to march forward regardless, knowing that you’ll tackle obstacles as they’re presented. It is the ability to fight through that aforementioned inaction and apathetic attitude that seems to have become so common. Confidence is a set of beliefs, actions, and an overall mindset that is cohesively shaped by a larger framework. It’s the ability to exist in a situation that may present some element of fear or discomfort and process your feelings, emotions, and needs in that moment. Of course, there are situationally very diverse levels of confidence; in the gym where I am a ‘regular’, I am more confident than at the till at Starbucks ordering a venti triple foam latte with oat milk and two pumps of Stevia. This overarching framework, though, is a fundamental and guiding light. I have decided separately that I want to be the type of person who projects confidence and believes in themselves — the type of person who doesn’t become frozen or stagnant when I am faced with a task from the laundry list of things I don’t want to do: call the doctor’s office to book an appointment, have my car oil changed at the mechanic, order elaborate drinks from coffee shops. These situations all make me uncomfortable in some capacity, but they’re the most basic and fundamental tasks that I am presented with most days. Confidence is something that can be built by these small, simple actions. If I can perform them on a day-to-day basis, they become mundane, commonplace, and relatively unchallenging. Calling the doctor’s office takes 30 seconds. The conversation at the mechanic is a little forced, but not altogether unpleasant. The Starbucks drink is ridiculous, but it makes your wife happy. These things make confidence easy, and building from there is a fairly logical step. To build confidence, put yourself in situations that you are unfamiliar with, and be open to experiencing the feelings, events, and emotions that are inherently partnered with travelling outside your comfort zone. Learn to separate feelings and describe them in a way that is more than “Happy”, “sad”, “mad”, or “scared.” Actually IDENTIFYING that you feel anxious about a situation illuminates things in a way that is much more detail oriented than “scared.” When my wife asks me if I am “mad” after a disagreement and I reply by telling her that I’m “off-put” or “annoyed” and elaborate, a supplemental conversation (that usually includes a resolution) is created where the origin of the problem is identified and extinguished. We continue with confidence. To build confidence, work on your life skills. Read. Write. Move around a little bit every day. Speak with your family and friends in a meaningful way, using questions to probe, gauge, and gather information. Engage with the world in a way that displays your understanding of it, and all of these skills add to your ability to navigate different emotional, social, and physical situations. You’ll build an entire network of solid people, and you can be confident in their support when needed. To build confidence, challenge yourself to improve — at ANYTHING. Hold yourself accountable and give yourself honest feedback; if you’re trying to improve your physique, take a progress photo - not to feed your own bottomless pit of vanity, but to give yourself a frame of reference, to increase your self-awareness, to have an honest conversation and assessment in your mind while you monitor for improvement. The same principle applies if your goal were to improve playing the piano, work on your art, or create your own business. These initials conversations and assessments can sting, but when you see improvement, you will feel the confidence you’ve built with it. To build confidence, consider how you want to be perceived by others - not because you “care what they think”, but because being able to manipulate perspectives increases your own general and self-awareness. The reality is, you do care what SOME people think — whether they are your family, a friend you admire, or somebody you look to as a role model — so internalize that and reflect: if I am willing to admit to myself that I do, in fact, care — what type of person do I think they would respect? Does that line up with the version of myself that I can say I put forward? Finally, and most importantly — to build confidence, celebrate your successes, but know and accept that failure is unavoidable. The inevitable shame that can come with this is something else to process - failing sucks. However, because of these diagnostic, self-aware tracks you’ve laid, failure can be an opportunity to lead toward the next destination — improvement. It’s something to be dissected and analyzed - something to use as a building block to build confidence rather than leech it out. If we are true to this underlying framework - this road map that is leading us toward the type of people we aspire to become - we can and should be confident with ourselves. We live in a world full of growing lists of medications and a prescription for anybody who feels frozen by the anxiety and comparative mindset that permeates our culture. There has to be some resistance to this — some effort to “fix” things organically and learn to navigate situations by simplifying them rather than introducing new factors such as medications that bring a whole other set of adverse side effects. This is probably one of the most important and fundamental ventures in life - everybody should feel as though they are worthy, equal, and deserving of respect. Everybody should know what it feels like to assess a situation and conquer it using personal tools and skills they’ve developed. Everybody should feel so whole, complete, and self-assured that they can consider themselves ‘confident.’ ReplyForward